Category Archives: My October Thoughts

A Not So Easy on the Eye Dating Experience

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Ah, well hello again world!  I know I promised a blog entry on the short skirt issue that is sweeping the nation, but it will have to wait as other matters have been on my mind lately.

As you can tell from my previous post…I am most definitely free of my marriage, theoretically at least and so therefore a single woman on the prowl, or a hungry woman in search of chocolate but, what is the difference really! 

A woman purchasing a chocolate bar and a woman who is dating are  really one and the same with only one difference.  The ass.  Chocolate = ass the size of small country.  Dating = chasing ass and probably losing some of your own.  So, I decided to try dating instead of growing my ass, as I had visions of walking into a room, dragging my gluteus maximus behind me, while people huddled in corners screaming and cringing away from the gelatinous mass of my ass, while it ate people and took over the earth. Although, having an ass that could take over the earth would have some benefits too…. but I’ll leave those thoughts for another time.

So off to the dating game it was and I did meet some very interesting people!  The people I liked and still may like…I will never mention here.  This forum is for the people who needed to leave and hit the dusty trail, past the tumble weeds and through the desert of You are Never Getting Any, Not Even if I Was Blind and Had Only One Leg and a Third Nipple and over the sea of Seriously, If You look Back or Remotely Even Try To Come Back, You Will be Blind and Have Only One Nipple and Will Cry Like a Girl and Wear a Skirt Permanently, never to be seen from again.  Thank God!

Here is an example of a date… that kept repeating on me.

THE ONE EYE REPEATER (and no, sadly this name has nothing to do with a man’s penis)

Now I happen to live in a mid-sized town and I came across this fellow who was a tall guy and looked attractive.  It was dusk when we met outside a store and I didn’t notice anything strange about him.  So when he asked me out, I said okay and we set up a date to have coffee. In the meantime we exchanged numbers and began texting each other.  Nothing strange there…

  So, the date came and I was feeling a little nervous but it was just casual dating, so I tried not to sweat it.  He arrived and again looked good from afar and so I thought, okay, this will be okay.  Then he sat down in front of me and was looking at me with only one eye pointed at me, which I found a little strange and intense.  He literally had one eye pointed directly at me, with his face kind of turned and I could not see the other eye. We proceeded to talk about things while I stared into his one intense eye and I really began to wonder what was going on.  Then, after a time, he looked at me directly and I knew the reason for the one-eyed conversation.   His other eye was looking in a completely different direction.  He obviously had a lazy, wandering eye. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely superficial or maybe I am, but it wasn’t the esthetics that bothered me as much as it was one hell of a distraction!!  I would look at him face on, but think he was looking at a woman in the corner and then realize…No! stupid!  It’s the lazy eye!!!! He’s looking at you!!! 

We were close to Dollarama and I secretly wanted to convince him to go in there and buy an eye patch as he was a nice looking guy and then could have been a nice looking pirate.  Then I would not have been confused as to which eye was looking at what and life could go back to normal, or as normal as it could be with a lazy eyed date pretending to be a pirate!! 

Have you ever tried to look at a person and only focus on only one eye?  It’s bloody tiring, confusing and generally you think too much while you’re looking at them and so therefore you can’t think of anything good, like kissing, or butterflies or sex, but instead all you’re thinking of is … 

LOOK AT THE GOOD EYE DAMMIT!! THE GOOD EYE!!!

So, after our date, I kissed him good-bye and thought to myself I can’t date this man, because all I can hear in my head is THE GOOD EYE!!! which doesn`t leave room for much else. So I discontinued the texting and figured after he did not get a few responses he would get the message, because let’s face it, I’m a woman, so why be direct.  Boy, was I wrong on that one for sure! 

Can I tell you just how persistent a crazy eyed man can be when he likes you  This is what happened next…

I received a text message saying “Hey, it’s cold outside, how about getting in my hot tub?”  to which I did not respond.  Then another “Hey, it’s Friday, you’ve probably had a long day, how would you like to get in my hot tub?” No response to that either.  Then “Hey, wanna relax in my hot tub?”  I sent nothing.  Then, “Hey, do you wanna have a hot tub?” Zero from me. Then “Hey! It’s about time, I think you should get in my tub!” Nada from my finger tips or lips, and yet it went on and on and on like this.  I was half expecting a text message to come through that simply said…

GET IN THE TUB DAMMIT!!!!!

Now, lets review this approach for a moment. Hmmmm…. let’s see… We went out for coffee, I was distracted by the eye and superficial or not I decided not to persue him further.  He texted and I didn’t respond, and he continued along this line of texting and never gave up.  He rode the hot tub texting train until it crashed, burned, blew up and basically wheezed itself into death.  He didn’t ask me to coffee, he didn’t ask me to the movies, he didn’t ask me out for dinner.  He never bought me flowers (although I despise them), or texted me “Hey you wanna go out? I have a pair of diamond earings in my pocket!”  Instead, he sent me his tub time messages and nothing else, no matter that there was no response.  What’s the definition of insanity again?

So, I surmise that quite simply the one eye repeater wanted into get me in his hot tub to show me his one eye and I was too afraid that might also be lazy and so therefore it never happened and it never will. Unless, of course, I also adopt an affliction of the lazy wandering eye and then we can both look at each other and everyone else at the same time and our children will always get caught.

Stay tuned next week when I discuss…18th and 19th century bloodletting.  What the God Damn Hell was going on in those two centuries???  A whole lot of absinthe and also a whole lot of dying patients is my guess.

Top 5 Reasons My Ex Should Get Bitch Slapped (and a few things that would change my mind)

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    Reading the news today and watching it on T.V.,  it has become apparent that domestic violence is on the rise.  I’m not sure if it’s the economic stress of families having to work harder and longer for survival, if it’s the fast paced stress of life in general or if it’s just a bunch of multi generational dumbass hooligans believing that they can bitch slap their wives, children or other individuals and that they are just above the law, which is sadly too often the case. 

Whenever I see another women’s shelter go up, my heart goes out to the poor women that have to run there, as I am a woman too and know what it is like to be oppressed.  My next thought though is always the same.  With all the bitch slapping that happens to poor innocent people on the streets and in their homes….why hasn’t someone bitch slapped my ex???

There is a movie named Bitch Slap, Perez Hilton was bitch slapped and millions of people on this earth daily are having their asses handed to them on a platter for no good reason and yet this man, who sticks his middle finger in the face of karma,  remains unscathed!!! I tell you it’s only that the universe has not been paying enough attention to a bitch that needs a good five-finger salute!

 I’m not speaking of myself of course (doing the bitch slapping), but can’t the universe just send down some much needed retribution and for once slap the shit out of someone who has it coming??! 

I’ve taken it upon myself to make a list for the universe on the reasons it should be done… and hopefully will be done.  Here they are…

My Top 5 Reasons The Universe Should Bitch Slap My Ex

(plus a few things that may change my mind)

1) I Have a Sneaking Suspicion He is Possessed by the Devil

He exhibits strong signs that he is possessed by the Devil.  He is mean, says horrible things sometimes in tongues, occasionally suffers from projectile vomiting, levitates in anger and otherwise, yells, farts and has aged significantly in the past 3 years to look 40 years older than myself. 

Now lets peruse this point a little… When watching any type of exorcism on tv or in the movies, I’m pretty sure that the priests are not cuddling the afflicted but have been known to slap the beast right out of the person, with the backhand of Jesus, while saying the prayer of exorcism. It may make things better, but at the very least, it will make me feel better and that’s all that matters.

2)  He Argues Against any Scientific Fact, Truth, or Even His Own Point of View .

This is an interesting point that has more than one interesting story.  This man will argue against any point, any fact or any truth that exists in the universe.  You could walk up to him and say “Hi! It’s Wednesday!” and even though it is in fact legitimately Wednesday, he will argue immediately and say something like “It’s not Wednesday!  It’s Thursday dumbass! What kind of person thinks it’s Wednesday when it’s Thursday.”  Absolutely nothing, not even 10 accurate calendars, God, Father Time, and a very honest old woman could convince him otherwise.  Do you feel your hand itching yet at the annoyance? No?  Maybe?  Let me make this little scenario a little simpler….He’s standing there, you walk up and say “Hi!” and he will immediately yell “Low!”…and there you have it! A begging for bitch slapping that no one can deny!

Before I move onto number three, let me just say we have put this to the test…I listened to him argue a point.  I remembered the viewpoint and subject matter he was arguing for.  I sat back, cleaned my house, went to work, paid my taxes, did a cart-wheel, knit a sweater and let a week pass.  After 1 week I decided to revisit the argument with an interesting twist. I argued for his point and he immediately argued against it with a fervent anger that would make OJ Simpson proud!  It was shameful display that would embarrass even the  most professional of debating teams.  Still you know what stops an argument.  A good old school pimp slapping, in the vocal cords.

3) He’s a Couple of Pills Short of Sanity

I really think this point says it all. 

Slapping crazy happens all the time, even accidentally. Just putting it out there…

4)   His Cheeks are Ripe and Full

It’s true.  His cheeks are meaty and ripe for the slapping.  I dare any serial slapper to walk past him without issuing a bitch slap, pimp slap, or ask the eternally funny questions of “What did the five fingers say to the face?” with a smack across those jowly jaws That would make anyone smile, except him of course.

5)  Slap is Afrikaans for limp.

and he is…

Now Here’s a Few Things That May Change My Mind

1) If he had a personality transplant or became someone else

2) If he spontaneously combusted

3) If he won the lottery did not tell me and being that we’re still “officially” married, I took him to court and was awarded it all.

4) If I won the lottery myself and kept it all.

5) If he read this blog and felt verbally bitch slapped or at the very least slightly abused.

Well, good night all.   That’s all I have to say about bitch slapping those who call it to their souls. 

Stay tuned next time when I discuss, “Why do women wear short skirts when we already know they have a vagina? No physical proof is needed. Or is it?”