Well it’s been a busy hectic summer and I’ve been working through most of it, so I decided to take the family up to the cottage for a much needed break. I closed up the house, packed the kids and the dog, took them up to the lake and finally relaxed! It was a little chilly that week but the break from the grind was just what the doctor ordered. Little did I know what was waiting for me at home and how it would make it’s appearance!
So after a week, I reluctantly packed up the kids and the dog and headed home. We got home, unpacked, and settle back into our house as I mentally prepared to head back to work. As we all settled in for the night, a very furry unwanted vistor lurked somewhere in the house, just waiting for his grand entrance.
Around midnight I was feeling sleepy and decided to go to bed for the night. I fell into a blissful slumber with my dog sleeping at the end of the bed. All the teenagers in my house decided to stay up, as they do in the summer, much like the undead or freaks on meth.
While I was sleeping, I thought I could hear the phone ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing. It would stop for a few seconds and then it would start to ring and ring and ring and ring and ring again. This began to pull me from my blissful slumber. I was soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired and it took me quite a while to be coherent. There was no phone in my room, as the kids leave them all over the house, so the ringing was distant, although still very annoying. Here is the part where I learned the lesson electronics and self-preservation mean more the teenagers than assisting your poor old mother.
Get ready for the fun that I experienced with only my googly eyed dog to save me, which by the way absolutely did not happen, as she was looking for me to save her. Typical. You’re on your own when it comes to kids and wimpy dogs. Zombies at your door? You better load that fucking shotgun, because the kids and the dog will be running for the hills and there will be no help for you. You will have to take them out all by your little old self.
After one million rings of the phone, I completely wake up. I get out of bed and turn on my bedroom light. I KNOW the kids are awake in the house and so I walk out into the hall and yell…
“Why the hell is nobody answering the phone?????!!!! It has been ringing and ringing forever!!! Also, where the hell is the phone, so I can answer it if none of you will???”
The response came from my youngest daughter, from the bathroom on my right. This was the response…
“Mom! It was me calling from my cell phone! We’re all in the bathroom! There’s a BAT IN THE HOUSE!!!!!”
At this statement, I turned and looked towards my now lit bedroom and this is what I saw…
This was the moment when I shit my pants. After the shitting was over, I screamed a scream that would make Janet Leigh proud, grabbed my google eyed dog by the collar, as she was cringing behind my legs and ran down stairs. I actually never stopped screaming the whole time I was running. It was the longest scream of my life!
I had enough sense when I did run downstairs to open my screen door wide. I somehow remembered in my panicked state that someone had told me in the past, bats can sense air movement and may fly outside if you open a door. Then Yoda dog and myself hid in the downstairs bathroom and watched until the bat actually flew out.
I then spoke to my kids and this is what I found out:
They saw the bat flying around the main floor like this
This was the moment that they shit their pants and then ran insanely to the upstairs bathroom to save themselves. Let it be noted, my youngest daughter, as terrified as she was, remembered in her terror to bring her cell phone, which should give everyone an indication of how important her cell phone was to her and how close to her heart it must have been as she took it with her and saved it from the bat. Let it also be noted that as she ran upstairs, she ran PAST my bedroom door, which was OPEN and she did not close it!! Showing just how much she cared about myself and Goggles Pizano (my google eyed dog), how she worried for our safety, while we were sleeping unaware of this crazy flapping rodent in our midst.
Now that they made it to the bathroom, they were terrified, but now safe and so they devised a plan to help me and the dog, as they had left my door open (I still can’t believe this!!!) and were not willing to venture out again to close it. They decided that they would call me to warn me of the impending disaster from my daughter’s cell phone.
So, the kids called and called, and I of course slept and did not answer. They left me a really helpful voice message at first that said
“Bat Emergency!! Bat Emergency!!!!! Mom! Wake up and get out of your room there is a bat in your room!!”
as we all know I slept on..
My daughter ran out of minutes on her phone as so could not directly call anymore. So they began sending messages to my phone via text to land line,which would make the phone ring still. The next message was left in a robot voice saying…
“Get out of bed there’s a bat in your room”
“Oh my God just wake up and get the hell out of there!”
“Mom! You need to wake up and run. Get out of your room!”
“There is a bat! Get out!”
All of these messages were left on our answering machine, which is nowhere near my bedroom. They were left in a soft robotic voice, that wouldn’t be able to warn anyone of any impending disaster as its pronunciation was phonetic and it sounded like an insane Stephen Hawking. It was also hard to decipher as the insane Stephen Hawking robot left the message so quickly, it would have made Speedy Gonzales proud! (I’m showing my age at the last comment) I’m surprised each statement did not end with “Arriba! Arriba! Ándale! Ándale!”
I asked them, why did you not open the door a crack and scream? God knows that any Mom would wake up instantly upon hearing one of their children screaming! They answered that they were too afraid to open it even a crack in case the bat got into the bathroom. Really? As if the bat would sense a slight crack in the bathroom door and say to himself,
“There hasn’t been enough shitting of pants upon my arrival. Let’s just take this up a notch, shall we? Chances are, I will fly right into the door and injure myself, but I’m a bat that likes to live dangerously, because let’s face it… I’m a masochistic and evil bat that’s in this house to give these people a reason to wear adult diapers!”
I’d like to note, that statement would only have been uttered, if my ex-husband was the bat!
So basically as the kids were calling and leaving their messages and not screaming, my bedroom looked similar to this…
It was the most action my bedroom had seen in months!!!
Just not the type of action I’d like to see again. The feeling was similar to dating a normal man and finding out he likes to wear pink girly thongs in the bedroom. Not a good thing or anything your eyes would like to witness a second time!
At least the bat that was in my house, was not wearing any women’s underwear. That might have pushed my terror over the edge!
And so, this is the story of how a survived a good batting. Good night all! I wish you rodent and transvestite free homes, unless of case you are partial to either of these things and in that case enjoy!