Well, it seems it has been a year since I have written in this blog due to my excessively over dramatic life and so I am glad I am back. I’d like to add that almost ALL of the dramatics I have been experiencing within my life, have absolutely nothing to do with my actions. I was simply existing and people full of tomfoolery and hijinks, randomly jumped into my life like half-witted ninjas. They created excessive dramatic chaos that a 12-year-old girl would be proud of, tried to disassemble my life and generally tried to repeatedly wasted my time. Oh…and did I mention that the main culprit of this excessive dramatics was a 40-year-old man?
Yes…I said a 40-year-old man, who is really a 12-year-old girl at heart.
Since he has the heart of a 12-year-old girl, I tried to pass him a note 5 years ago that said “I don’t like you anymore. YOU STINK!!! Our marriage is over because YOU are not my soul mate and you have the COOTIES!!.”
He ignored that note unfortunately…
Along with that, I have been trying to raise three teenagers into adults. Raising three teenagers, mostly on your own will make you feel like tap dancing around a nuclear bomb on a wobbly glass table is a good day. Still, when I wasn’t dealing with the tap dancing, molding young minds, keeping their asses in line, keeping their asses alive or the 40 year old’s girly dramatics… I did manage to waste my time, avoiding my reality, in various vacuous ways that I will now describe to you in detail. I am simple-minded and therefore easily amused and so here are my Top Five Time Wasters from the past year…
1) I Read 50 Shades of Grey…and Survived with my I.Q. Intact!!!
I had been listening to the whispered gasps of women, huddling together and gossiping about the naughtiness that was apparently 50 Shades of Grey, E.L. James’ BDSM “romance” novel. There was flushing and blushing and tales of “not being able to put that book down!”. So…I was having a slow week in the dating world and thought… okay, let’s just see what this book is all about. I was actually looking forward to reading some hot sex scenes and possibly picking up some tips…
Instead, what I found when I opened the book was this…
All this talk about steamy scenes, wild sex and then to find, there was absolutely nothing within them that was shocking or really enticing. I mean…I do those things on a Tuesday when there’s nothing on T.V. The lead character Anastasia Steel was about as exciting as cardboard and as intelligent as oatmeal. This also lead me to thinking about the ratio between the number of women that liked this book and their average IQ. Which I’m assuming goes something like this…
This then lead me to thinking… man, there are a lot of dumb asses out there.
2) I Saved a Naked Soupy Alcoholic From Being Homeless
Now I don’t want to say too much on this subject as it involves someone I care about, but I will try to summarize.
One of my best friends had an altercation at her home with her spouse and his family. This was a naked altercation that also involved fighting naked in soup on the kitchen floor, being very intoxicated (which I think is a given), at one point using the phrase “CLEAN IT UP!” which I think is a fantastic statement in general, but in this case was directed at her spouse and the floor soup and then finding that she could not return to her residence until the “domestic situation” was resolved. So, she came and lived with me. Within the next 30 days we laughed, we cried, we kept our clothes on, avoided soup and she stopped drinking. So, within my year, 30 days in May were occupied with her well-being and housing her, until she could fly again with clothes on and without soup or alcohol.
Before I move on though I have to say… Fighting naked in soup is something you should be proud of. Not many people could say on their deathbed…”And I’ll always remember that time I fought naked in soup.” It may be weird, but it is impressive, my dear on the wagon friend.
3) I Used “Wunderbar” at the End of all of My Sentences.
This I have done to amuse myself here and there as I go through life. The Wunderbar at the end of the sentence must be stated with dramatic emphasis or it is no longer fun.
My favorites are as follows…
“What a Bitch! Wunderbar!”
“Go fuck yourself! Wunderbar!”
“Is that a man or a woman? Wunderbar!”
“I think it’s infected. Wunderbar!”
“Who trained that weasel? Wunderbar!”
“Do you have a large box of Super Absorbent Tampons? Wunderbar!”
4) Created New Songs, from Old Ones and Sang Them to My Dog, About my Dog
This is something a do unconsciously and often. I mortify my 15-year-old daughter whenever any of her friends are around when I do it. Still, if I have mortified her, I always continue, as that is the type of mother I am. I have sung such favorites as:
1) Little Stinky Monkey Won’t You come Out Tonight? Come out tonight? Come out tonight? Little Stinky Monkey won’t you come out tonight, and dance by the light of the moon. (Original song: Buffalo Gals)
2) I love dogs, I love dogs. Does everyone know that I love dogs? (Original Song “I Love Fudge” from PBS Show Arthur).
3) If you love stinky bitches and getting caught in the rain (Original Song : If You Like Pina Coladas)
5) Created New Species Names for my Dog as Being a “Dog” is Just Waaaaay Too Boring
I often create new names for the type of animal my dog is, because she is crazy and therefore, I believe that being a dog is just way too normal for her. I often walk around my house and when I find her in my bed asleep state….
“Why, is that an African Pigmy Bed Weasel?”
I’d like to add at this point that the strange species names have the same effect on my 15-year-old daughter as the singing if anyone is around and so is just that much more amusing.
Here are some other names I have given my dog over the past year to amuse myself:
Goggle Eyed Platypus
Stinky Duck-billed Bed Weasel
Dutch Dimensional Carpet Croucher
Squirrely Eyed Pig Weasel
Google Eyed Stinky Elephant Chaser
Grouchy Stinky Covert Farter
and these are just a few of my favorites…
That, dear readers, was just a window into the distractions I have entertained to make my life more livable. I hope you have enjoyed it.
I will leave you lastly with a picture of my Yodameister as she deserves some more recognition and love.