Tag Archives: running

Hogs Gone Wild


  I was truly unaware of the feral hog problem that is sweeping though the United States as apparently I am not up to date on the latest breaking swine news.  Now that I am, I am shocked that I knew nothing about it and shocked that there are so many wild hogs in many states all over the country.  Apparently large packs of feral swine are running though forests and properties, destroying as they go.   They trample crops, damage property and even kill some animals.  They can be nocturnal and smarter than dogs and so therefore these crazed wild hogs are a dangerous breed to come across.

Upon my enlightenment, I decided to read a little more about the history of feral hogs and found that these swine were originally brought into the United States by the Spanish and Europeans, where some hogs occasionally escaped from farms or were intentionally released for who knows what reason. Then, to make matters worse and because people are generally complete idiots, in the 1900’s feral hogs were brought into the United States for game ranches so people could hunt them and sometimes they escaped from captivity.  Apparently in this scenario the hunters were a bunch of lazy assed pansies who would only hunt pigs on the ranch, but never on the other side of the fence, if they escaped.  Or they were complete morons as they never noticed the diabolical escape of their feral swine.  Either way, this just proves my theory that a bunch of yahoos with guns are never going to produce positive things in life.

Now this is a very basic and vague history of the feral swine, but I do not claim to be the leading expert on them. I have read that there are still game farms today contributing to the problem and population.

So I say to those people “For Shame!!!  Get control of your hogs! I mean we have ridiculous technology for fences, in strength and even electricity, so what the hell?”

To the swine I say “Good show!! I too would escape someone trying to shoot me for fun!” 
At any rate, I have no idea if this is true but if it is at all true, it’s idiotic and negligent.

This whole Hogs Gone Wild situation was brought to my attention from the strangest of T.V. shows.  Discovery Channel or National Geographic you ask? No, not even close.  The T.V. show that showed me the swiney light was Billy the Exterminator.  Yes, you read me correctly, Billy the Exterminator.

In the episode I watched, Billy and his brother were called to a property to get rid of a large pack of wild hogs that were ripping up the property and obviously growing in number.  They had no idea how to trap them so they called in the wild hog experts. They created a large circular enclosure where the pigs could enter through a trap door, but could not exit back out.  Next, and this will really make you sick later in the story, they dumped a large bag of rotten shrimp into the enclosure to attract the hogs on the loose.  I understand the reason for the stinky rotten shrimp.  The wild hogs smell the stinky and then come a runnin’, but this story just becomes so wrong later on because of what they fed the hogs.

So, they leave the enclosure for the night, and return the next day to see if they have trapped some of the rampaging swine. Sure enough they have trapped approx 7 or 8 pigs in the enclosure.  Please note, these pigs were in the enclosure, eating the rotten shrimp. LOTS of rotten shrimp.  They wrangle the pigs into the truck, and then Billy explains that there is really nowhere to transport these pigs as there is no natural habitat and anywhere they release them would not be good.  Okay, I understand this.  I have now read about the environmental effects of feral hogs myself. There is nowhere that they can take them and release them. Cut to Commercial.

When the show comes back on, we see several large boxes coming out of a factory.  Several large boxes full of, you guessed it, the wild hogs.  Now hold on, because where are those boxes going to? WHERE?

Well, if you guessed to feed the homeless, you are correct!  Yes, the pigs that were dining on large quantities of rotting festering shrimp, were now going to feed the homeless.  Really?  Really?!!! I mean let’s forget about the shrimp for a moment, what were these pigs eating before? Did they have any diseases? Do we really know they are okay to eat?

Going back to the shrimp, I’m pretty sure that I would not want to eat them considering what they were eating before they died and also not knowing what the hell they were eating before that.  I completely agree we need to feed the hungry, but are we going to feed them food that would be substandard for everyone else? I mean we’re not killing animals in the streets and bringing them to homeless shelters for a reason. It just made me queasy.

So needless to say this show intrigued me, as I did not know about the feral hog problem and also made me sick, because apparently some people will feed their homeless anything and think it’s good.  I began to think of alternative things that trapped feral hogs could be used for other than questionable food for the hungry and so I have devised…..




1) Why Not Use Attack Hogs Instead?

Have you ever heard the command “Release the Hounds!” ?  Why not use the phrase “Release the Hogs!” instead?  Apparently packs of wild hogs can not only be wild and destructive, but also vicious.  I’m pretty sure, if I snuck onto someone’s property with ill intent and I saw 50 or more wild crazed hogs running in my direction, I’d get the hell out of there in a big way!  If I did make a return visit, I’d be wearing Depends, while carrying a gun and possibly grenades.  Let’s face it, that’s way too much work, having to take off your pants, and load a gun, when you could visit a hog free property for your nefarious ways, without hassle. Not to mention, setting off grenades and blowing up hogs to protect yourself would really blow your stealthy cover.   The owner of the hogs should keep some rotten shrimp on hand to wrangle them back in the barn and you’ve got some serious hog ammunition for your protection and at your disposal.

 2) Wild Hog Races

Now we’ve all either heard of or seen dog races and horse races, but why not wild hog races?  I know I’d bet on these hairy backed fiends.  Put a person at the end of the track reminiscent of a rodeo clown and anger the swine a little and they will run with fury to take out the person at the finish line.  Also, you can name them fantastic names such as The Tallahassee Stinker, The Swift Swine, Bacon on the Run and The Torrid Tusk.  There are tons of people who are addicted to gambling in North America, so if you advertise, they will come and give you money.

3) Clearing Land/Ploughing

Farming and farm equipment can be a heck of an expense.  If you need an alternative to ploughing your fields, why not a pack of feral hogs?  Apparently the rooting behaviour in piglets develops in the first few days of life so fifty or sixty hogs could root up a field in no time.  They could also be put to use digging holes for pools and ponds and could be used by many companies around the country.  You could also name your company a fantastic name such as Ditch Pig Inc. which may generate a lot of attention and make you money.

These are just a few alternatives that I have come up with to solve the problem of what to do with trapped feral hogs.  Please feel free to add your suggestions to my list.  In the meantime, go down to your local food bank or soup kitchen and donate some clean and decent food. 

Lastly, I will leave you with this tip.  If you are ever in a state that has feral hogs and you come across a large pack, climb a damn tree because from what I have read, you need to get the hell out of there and hogs still can’ t climb trees. In the absence of trees, run like hell and if you are with anyone else, trip the person you like the least. It may just save your life!


Dating a Leech? How to Avoid It


Well here is my last installment on this blog of the perils and complete idiocies of dating.  I am well aware that I am a commitment phobic dater, but there is some method to my madness. Idiot, I am not. I believe some of the processes I have devised to assess the person I am dating have led to very good decisions of avoiding precarious leech problems, that would have resulted in severe loss of blood, personal freedom along with my precious peace of mind. 

A leech or stage 5 clinger as they have been called, is a person who is desperately looking for another person to boost them up, make them feel good, brighten up their life and generally solve all their problems, including loneliness and low self-esteem. Their entire existence, happiness, sadness, world and even possibly their bills rely on a partner to survive.

  Now when I am sitting across from someone at dinner on a date and they begin to look for my approval, verification of worth and generally want my opinions on all their personal problems, I know that I have entered the swamp of the leech. If one of these suckers ends up slipping past my radar, I usually end up being supremely exhausted by reassuring, explaining and generally trying to find excuses to avoid them like the seven plagues of Egypt.  So, at all costs I try to avoid the life drainers as well as I can.  When a salt shaker just doesn’t work, here are a few tips that I use and if you value any part of your sanity or solitude I suggest you do the same.

1) If They Don’t Have an Entourage Then Call Yours and Get the Hell Out of There.

This is imperative to dating.  The person whom you are dating MUST have an entourage. 


  • a group of people attending or surrounding an important person.
First off I’d like to say that if they are not an important person then why the fuck are you on a date with them? 

Your date should have friends and lots of them. They should have friends that like them, think they are great and want to spend time with them. Otherwise known as a fucking life. 

I have heard many a woman in the past complain that their boyfriends go out with their friends too much, but let me tell you ladies, the polar opposite of that means you would not be able urinate without your beloved standing outside the door worshipping that tinkling sound.  They must have alternate ways to spend their time and this will ensure there will be space and freedom for you. 

It should be noted I have dated men in the past that didn’t seem to have friends, but didn’t seem to be clingy. DO NOT BE FOOLED.  This is simply what I like to call the delayed suction.  I moved forward with them and continued to date them.  This resulted in the knowledge that although they didn’t seem clingy and spent some of  their free time away from me,  they resented me for not spending that time with them. What I have named this type of leech is “The Passive Aggressive Sally”.  

The ending of this dating story would always be some sort of girly fight (where I was not the girl).  All the dirty laundry would come out about how they were not at all happy that I actually had a life.  Or I would receive a sappy motherly letter/email where they poured out their disapproval of my lack of interest in spending every second of my life with them, which would make any 13-year-old girl proud. I would then run 10 thousand miles away from them like I was on fire and being chased by 20,000 velociraptors and the hounds of hell, back to my sane life. 

 The good news is these types of leeches like to sulk and hold grudges, so once their disapproval surfaces and you do not apologize, you are usually Free at last!  Free at last! Thank God Almighty, you are free at last!

Plainly speaking, if they don’t have people, don’t have them, unless of course you like carrying around a tumour on your body.

2) Needs.  If I Wanted to Meet Them, You Wouldn’t Have Any.

Now this statement should be discussed at the beginning of any dating situation.  I believe that most people of average intelligence know what other people basically need in a romantic coupling.  If they are not meeting your needs then they Don’t Fucking Care.  Now really try to wrap your head around this.  If we all know what the average person needs to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship and if they are not giving these things to you, they Don’t Fucking Care.  It literally is as simple as that. There is no hidden romantic agenda.  There is no hope.  If you are still wondering and dreaming about making someone change their ways, then please reread the this paragraph 50 more times before continuing. 

Needs. Anyone who has a vast criticism and list of what you are not supplying to them because they need it, should be removed by flame, salt or surgical means from your body. The next steps: delete, disregard and disappear.

3) Beware of Nice Guy/Girl Guilter

This is an interesting psychological leech that should be shut down after their first few attempts of manipulation.  Do you remember the poem from C.S. Lewis’ fantastic novel Through the Looking Glass called Jabberwocky?  There are a few lines that are especially important to this point:

“Beware of the Jabberwok my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!”

Beware is right.  There is a large group of people in this world who will prey on the good nature of other people, to obtain what they need and want and romance is no exception! In reality these people care little about what you need, so be forwarned.  They are the Jabberwocky, parading around looking like harmless people, but do not be fooled!  How can you discern their true nature, jaws,claws and vampire lips you ask?  Why it’s simple.  If someone acts like they care about you, are really into you, pull away a little. Still be respectful and nice but just a little more distant.  When you do, you will find the true nature of the beast.

If you have happened to accidentally stumble upon one of these guilting leeches this is what you’ll find:

1) The Constant Crier– This is typically used by the female leeches but has been known to be used by the occasional male (To which I’d like to add, for shame gentlemen if you use this tactic.  It is a sad day when this tactic used by a guy…and far less effective).

In this instance the crier will start crying at the 1st sign of distance.  The cry for help will be an emotional blackmail to return the intended back to the crier for some serious smothering.  They will immediately have a crisis that they will need your help with.  They will have an emotional breakdown, need a shoulder to cry on and a hug. DO NOT BE THAT SHOULDER , unless you would like to permanently have that person on your shoulder every time you need to take a breath. 

Please note that the direct correlation between the two will give you the answer if you have encountered the Constant Crier.  You pull back a little, they have a crisis.  You pull back, they have another crisis.  Repeat this a few times if you are unsure, but I can guarantee that you will have the same result every single time you try.

2) The Insecure Repeater

Ah this is a wily hard to shake leech that will use their relentless ways to weasel back in and buy themselves some more attention and time. 

They are still nice and kind at the start of distance, but notice you have pulled back. 

They will ask once, “Is everything okay?  You seem distant?”

Now this is a fair question, because you have become a little distant, so you may reply “Oh sure, I’ve just been so busy.  I still would like to go out on Saturday night though.”

If you have acquired yourself an Insecure Repeater, well before Saturday has even arrived they will begin their guilting harassment with statements such as…

“Did I do something wrong?”  “Why are we not talking as much?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is there something you don’t like about me?” “I’m feeling like you’re mad at me and it’s making me sad.”  “Wanna go out tonight?” “Want to get a coffee right now?” “Why don’t you text me? Are you mad at me?  It’s okay, you can tell me the truth, are you mad?” (this would be accompanied by numerous additional text messages, calls or emails in a long succession). 

Please let it be noted that communication has not stopped but only dwindled a little, provoking the neediness and “claws” reaching out with desperate snatching, while using guilt provoking statements to make you feel bad about your slight distance.  I’m sorry to tell you, it will continue and may even escalate.

I can guarantee that if you do decide to pull yourself completely from the Constant Crier or the Insecure Repeater, they will pop up frequently saying “Hi” in email, text or phone call asking the same needy questions they did before, or having excessive crisis after crisis, even if you have stated that “the jig is up sucker. I don’t want you.”

In both these instances you will curse yourself for ever giving your email/cell number to this person. My advice is to adopt the persona of a mute.  You will continually hear the cries from the needy, but if you stay silent they will receive nothing of what they need and therefore eventually find a new host.  It may take some time though so delete, delete, delete, DO NOT ANSWER and NEVER feel compassion or respond.  If you do, you’ve just bought yourself another 6 months of annoyance.

Well my friends it is late, I am tired and my dog who is sleeping on the sofa beside me has some noxious gas tonight, so I will say adieu, good luck and may God keep you safe and leechless in your future days.