Hogs Gone Wild

  I was truly unaware of the feral hog problem that is sweeping though the United States as apparently I am not up to date on the latest breaking swine news.  Now that I am, I am shocked that I knew nothing about it and shocked that there are so many wild hogs in many states all over the country.  Apparently large packs of feral swine are running though forests and properties, destroying as they go.   They trample crops, damage property and even kill some animals.  They can be nocturnal and smarter than dogs and so therefore these crazed wild hogs are a dangerous breed to come across.

Upon my enlightenment, I decided to read a little more about the history of feral hogs and found that these swine were originally brought into the United States by the Spanish and Europeans, where some hogs occasionally escaped from farms or were intentionally released for who knows what reason. Then, to make matters worse and because people are generally complete idiots, in the 1900’s feral hogs were brought into the United States for game ranches so people could hunt them and sometimes they escaped from captivity.  Apparently in this scenario the hunters were a bunch of lazy assed pansies who would only hunt pigs on the ranch, but never on the other side of the fence, if they escaped.  Or they were complete morons as they never noticed the diabolical escape of their feral swine.  Either way, this just proves my theory that a bunch of yahoos with guns are never going to produce positive things in life.

Now this is a very basic and vague history of the feral swine, but I do not claim to be the leading expert on them. I have read that there are still game farms today contributing to the problem and population.

So I say to those people “For Shame!!!  Get control of your hogs! I mean we have ridiculous technology for fences, in strength and even electricity, so what the hell?”

To the swine I say “Good show!! I too would escape someone trying to shoot me for fun!” 
At any rate, I have no idea if this is true but if it is at all true, it’s idiotic and negligent.

This whole Hogs Gone Wild situation was brought to my attention from the strangest of T.V. shows.  Discovery Channel or National Geographic you ask? No, not even close.  The T.V. show that showed me the swiney light was Billy the Exterminator.  Yes, you read me correctly, Billy the Exterminator.

In the episode I watched, Billy and his brother were called to a property to get rid of a large pack of wild hogs that were ripping up the property and obviously growing in number.  They had no idea how to trap them so they called in the wild hog experts. They created a large circular enclosure where the pigs could enter through a trap door, but could not exit back out.  Next, and this will really make you sick later in the story, they dumped a large bag of rotten shrimp into the enclosure to attract the hogs on the loose.  I understand the reason for the stinky rotten shrimp.  The wild hogs smell the stinky and then come a runnin’, but this story just becomes so wrong later on because of what they fed the hogs.

So, they leave the enclosure for the night, and return the next day to see if they have trapped some of the rampaging swine. Sure enough they have trapped approx 7 or 8 pigs in the enclosure.  Please note, these pigs were in the enclosure, eating the rotten shrimp. LOTS of rotten shrimp.  They wrangle the pigs into the truck, and then Billy explains that there is really nowhere to transport these pigs as there is no natural habitat and anywhere they release them would not be good.  Okay, I understand this.  I have now read about the environmental effects of feral hogs myself. There is nowhere that they can take them and release them. Cut to Commercial.

When the show comes back on, we see several large boxes coming out of a factory.  Several large boxes full of, you guessed it, the wild hogs.  Now hold on, because where are those boxes going to? WHERE?

Well, if you guessed to feed the homeless, you are correct!  Yes, the pigs that were dining on large quantities of rotting festering shrimp, were now going to feed the homeless.  Really?  Really?!!! I mean let’s forget about the shrimp for a moment, what were these pigs eating before? Did they have any diseases? Do we really know they are okay to eat?

Going back to the shrimp, I’m pretty sure that I would not want to eat them considering what they were eating before they died and also not knowing what the hell they were eating before that.  I completely agree we need to feed the hungry, but are we going to feed them food that would be substandard for everyone else? I mean we’re not killing animals in the streets and bringing them to homeless shelters for a reason. It just made me queasy.

So needless to say this show intrigued me, as I did not know about the feral hog problem and also made me sick, because apparently some people will feed their homeless anything and think it’s good.  I began to think of alternative things that trapped feral hogs could be used for other than questionable food for the hungry and so I have devised…..

SOME ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO HANDLE TRAPPED WILD HOGS

 

 

1) Why Not Use Attack Hogs Instead?

Have you ever heard the command “Release the Hounds!” ?  Why not use the phrase “Release the Hogs!” instead?  Apparently packs of wild hogs can not only be wild and destructive, but also vicious.  I’m pretty sure, if I snuck onto someone’s property with ill intent and I saw 50 or more wild crazed hogs running in my direction, I’d get the hell out of there in a big way!  If I did make a return visit, I’d be wearing Depends, while carrying a gun and possibly grenades.  Let’s face it, that’s way too much work, having to take off your pants, and load a gun, when you could visit a hog free property for your nefarious ways, without hassle. Not to mention, setting off grenades and blowing up hogs to protect yourself would really blow your stealthy cover.   The owner of the hogs should keep some rotten shrimp on hand to wrangle them back in the barn and you’ve got some serious hog ammunition for your protection and at your disposal.

 2) Wild Hog Races

Now we’ve all either heard of or seen dog races and horse races, but why not wild hog races?  I know I’d bet on these hairy backed fiends.  Put a person at the end of the track reminiscent of a rodeo clown and anger the swine a little and they will run with fury to take out the person at the finish line.  Also, you can name them fantastic names such as The Tallahassee Stinker, The Swift Swine, Bacon on the Run and The Torrid Tusk.  There are tons of people who are addicted to gambling in North America, so if you advertise, they will come and give you money.

3) Clearing Land/Ploughing

Farming and farm equipment can be a heck of an expense.  If you need an alternative to ploughing your fields, why not a pack of feral hogs?  Apparently the rooting behaviour in piglets develops in the first few days of life so fifty or sixty hogs could root up a field in no time.  They could also be put to use digging holes for pools and ponds and could be used by many companies around the country.  You could also name your company a fantastic name such as Ditch Pig Inc. which may generate a lot of attention and make you money.

These are just a few alternatives that I have come up with to solve the problem of what to do with trapped feral hogs.  Please feel free to add your suggestions to my list.  In the meantime, go down to your local food bank or soup kitchen and donate some clean and decent food. 

Lastly, I will leave you with this tip.  If you are ever in a state that has feral hogs and you come across a large pack, climb a damn tree because from what I have read, you need to get the hell out of there and hogs still can’ t climb trees. In the absence of trees, run like hell and if you are with anyone else, trip the person you like the least. It may just save your life!