Ah, well hello again world! I know I promised a blog entry on the short skirt issue that is sweeping the nation, but it will have to wait as other matters have been on my mind lately.
As you can tell from my previous post…I am most definitely free of my marriage, theoretically at least and so therefore a single woman on the prowl, or a hungry woman in search of chocolate but, what is the difference really!
A woman purchasing a chocolate bar and a woman who is dating are really one and the same with only one difference. The ass. Chocolate = ass the size of small country. Dating = chasing ass and probably losing some of your own. So, I decided to try dating instead of growing my ass, as I had visions of walking into a room, dragging my gluteus maximus behind me, while people huddled in corners screaming and cringing away from the gelatinous mass of my ass, while it ate people and took over the earth. Although, having an ass that could take over the earth would have some benefits too…. but I’ll leave those thoughts for another time.
So off to the dating game it was and I did meet some very interesting people! The people I liked and still may like…I will never mention here. This forum is for the people who needed to leave and hit the dusty trail, past the tumble weeds and through the desert of You are Never Getting Any, Not Even if I Was Blind and Had Only One Leg and a Third Nipple and over the sea of Seriously, If You look Back or Remotely Even Try To Come Back, You Will be Blind and Have Only One Nipple and Will Cry Like a Girl and Wear a Skirt Permanently, never to be seen from again. Thank God!
Here is an example of a date… that kept repeating on me.
THE ONE EYE REPEATER (and no, sadly this name has nothing to do with a man’s penis)
Now I happen to live in a mid-sized town and I came across this fellow who was a tall guy and looked attractive. It was dusk when we met outside a store and I didn’t notice anything strange about him. So when he asked me out, I said okay and we set up a date to have coffee. In the meantime we exchanged numbers and began texting each other. Nothing strange there…
So, the date came and I was feeling a little nervous but it was just casual dating, so I tried not to sweat it. He arrived and again looked good from afar and so I thought, okay, this will be okay. Then he sat down in front of me and was looking at me with only one eye pointed at me, which I found a little strange and intense. He literally had one eye pointed directly at me, with his face kind of turned and I could not see the other eye. We proceeded to talk about things while I stared into his one intense eye and I really began to wonder what was going on. Then, after a time, he looked at me directly and I knew the reason for the one-eyed conversation. His other eye was looking in a completely different direction. He obviously had a lazy, wandering eye. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely superficial or maybe I am, but it wasn’t the esthetics that bothered me as much as it was one hell of a distraction!! I would look at him face on, but think he was looking at a woman in the corner and then realize…No! stupid! It’s the lazy eye!!!! He’s looking at you!!!
We were close to Dollarama and I secretly wanted to convince him to go in there and buy an eye patch as he was a nice looking guy and then could have been a nice looking pirate. Then I would not have been confused as to which eye was looking at what and life could go back to normal, or as normal as it could be with a lazy eyed date pretending to be a pirate!!
Have you ever tried to look at a person and only focus on only one eye? It’s bloody tiring, confusing and generally you think too much while you’re looking at them and so therefore you can’t think of anything good, like kissing, or butterflies or sex, but instead all you’re thinking of is …
LOOK AT THE GOOD EYE DAMMIT!! THE GOOD EYE!!!
So, after our date, I kissed him good-bye and thought to myself I can’t date this man, because all I can hear in my head is THE GOOD EYE!!! which doesn`t leave room for much else. So I discontinued the texting and figured after he did not get a few responses he would get the message, because let’s face it, I’m a woman, so why be direct. Boy, was I wrong on that one for sure!
Can I tell you just how persistent a crazy eyed man can be when he likes you This is what happened next…
I received a text message saying “Hey, it’s cold outside, how about getting in my hot tub?” to which I did not respond. Then another “Hey, it’s Friday, you’ve probably had a long day, how would you like to get in my hot tub?” No response to that either. Then “Hey, wanna relax in my hot tub?” I sent nothing. Then, “Hey, do you wanna have a hot tub?” Zero from me. Then “Hey! It’s about time, I think you should get in my tub!” Nada from my finger tips or lips, and yet it went on and on and on like this. I was half expecting a text message to come through that simply said…
GET IN THE TUB DAMMIT!!!!!
Now, lets review this approach for a moment. Hmmmm…. let’s see… We went out for coffee, I was distracted by the eye and superficial or not I decided not to persue him further. He texted and I didn’t respond, and he continued along this line of texting and never gave up. He rode the hot tub texting train until it crashed, burned, blew up and basically wheezed itself into death. He didn’t ask me to coffee, he didn’t ask me to the movies, he didn’t ask me out for dinner. He never bought me flowers (although I despise them), or texted me “Hey you wanna go out? I have a pair of diamond earings in my pocket!” Instead, he sent me his tub time messages and nothing else, no matter that there was no response. What’s the definition of insanity again?
So, I surmise that quite simply the one eye repeater wanted into get me in his hot tub to show me his one eye and I was too afraid that might also be lazy and so therefore it never happened and it never will. Unless, of course, I also adopt an affliction of the lazy wandering eye and then we can both look at each other and everyone else at the same time and our children will always get caught.
Stay tuned next week when I discuss…18th and 19th century bloodletting. What the God Damn Hell was going on in those two centuries??? A whole lot of absinthe and also a whole lot of dying patients is my guess.