Tag Archives: dating

Dating a Leech? How to Avoid It


Well here is my last installment on this blog of the perils and complete idiocies of dating.  I am well aware that I am a commitment phobic dater, but there is some method to my madness. Idiot, I am not. I believe some of the processes I have devised to assess the person I am dating have led to very good decisions of avoiding precarious leech problems, that would have resulted in severe loss of blood, personal freedom along with my precious peace of mind. 

A leech or stage 5 clinger as they have been called, is a person who is desperately looking for another person to boost them up, make them feel good, brighten up their life and generally solve all their problems, including loneliness and low self-esteem. Their entire existence, happiness, sadness, world and even possibly their bills rely on a partner to survive.

  Now when I am sitting across from someone at dinner on a date and they begin to look for my approval, verification of worth and generally want my opinions on all their personal problems, I know that I have entered the swamp of the leech. If one of these suckers ends up slipping past my radar, I usually end up being supremely exhausted by reassuring, explaining and generally trying to find excuses to avoid them like the seven plagues of Egypt.  So, at all costs I try to avoid the life drainers as well as I can.  When a salt shaker just doesn’t work, here are a few tips that I use and if you value any part of your sanity or solitude I suggest you do the same.

1) If They Don’t Have an Entourage Then Call Yours and Get the Hell Out of There.

This is imperative to dating.  The person whom you are dating MUST have an entourage. 


  • a group of people attending or surrounding an important person.
First off I’d like to say that if they are not an important person then why the fuck are you on a date with them? 

Your date should have friends and lots of them. They should have friends that like them, think they are great and want to spend time with them. Otherwise known as a fucking life. 

I have heard many a woman in the past complain that their boyfriends go out with their friends too much, but let me tell you ladies, the polar opposite of that means you would not be able urinate without your beloved standing outside the door worshipping that tinkling sound.  They must have alternate ways to spend their time and this will ensure there will be space and freedom for you. 

It should be noted I have dated men in the past that didn’t seem to have friends, but didn’t seem to be clingy. DO NOT BE FOOLED.  This is simply what I like to call the delayed suction.  I moved forward with them and continued to date them.  This resulted in the knowledge that although they didn’t seem clingy and spent some of  their free time away from me,  they resented me for not spending that time with them. What I have named this type of leech is “The Passive Aggressive Sally”.  

The ending of this dating story would always be some sort of girly fight (where I was not the girl).  All the dirty laundry would come out about how they were not at all happy that I actually had a life.  Or I would receive a sappy motherly letter/email where they poured out their disapproval of my lack of interest in spending every second of my life with them, which would make any 13-year-old girl proud. I would then run 10 thousand miles away from them like I was on fire and being chased by 20,000 velociraptors and the hounds of hell, back to my sane life. 

 The good news is these types of leeches like to sulk and hold grudges, so once their disapproval surfaces and you do not apologize, you are usually Free at last!  Free at last! Thank God Almighty, you are free at last!

Plainly speaking, if they don’t have people, don’t have them, unless of course you like carrying around a tumour on your body.

2) Needs.  If I Wanted to Meet Them, You Wouldn’t Have Any.

Now this statement should be discussed at the beginning of any dating situation.  I believe that most people of average intelligence know what other people basically need in a romantic coupling.  If they are not meeting your needs then they Don’t Fucking Care.  Now really try to wrap your head around this.  If we all know what the average person needs to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship and if they are not giving these things to you, they Don’t Fucking Care.  It literally is as simple as that. There is no hidden romantic agenda.  There is no hope.  If you are still wondering and dreaming about making someone change their ways, then please reread the this paragraph 50 more times before continuing. 

Needs. Anyone who has a vast criticism and list of what you are not supplying to them because they need it, should be removed by flame, salt or surgical means from your body. The next steps: delete, disregard and disappear.

3) Beware of Nice Guy/Girl Guilter

This is an interesting psychological leech that should be shut down after their first few attempts of manipulation.  Do you remember the poem from C.S. Lewis’ fantastic novel Through the Looking Glass called Jabberwocky?  There are a few lines that are especially important to this point:

“Beware of the Jabberwok my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!”

Beware is right.  There is a large group of people in this world who will prey on the good nature of other people, to obtain what they need and want and romance is no exception! In reality these people care little about what you need, so be forwarned.  They are the Jabberwocky, parading around looking like harmless people, but do not be fooled!  How can you discern their true nature, jaws,claws and vampire lips you ask?  Why it’s simple.  If someone acts like they care about you, are really into you, pull away a little. Still be respectful and nice but just a little more distant.  When you do, you will find the true nature of the beast.

If you have happened to accidentally stumble upon one of these guilting leeches this is what you’ll find:

1) The Constant Crier– This is typically used by the female leeches but has been known to be used by the occasional male (To which I’d like to add, for shame gentlemen if you use this tactic.  It is a sad day when this tactic used by a guy…and far less effective).

In this instance the crier will start crying at the 1st sign of distance.  The cry for help will be an emotional blackmail to return the intended back to the crier for some serious smothering.  They will immediately have a crisis that they will need your help with.  They will have an emotional breakdown, need a shoulder to cry on and a hug. DO NOT BE THAT SHOULDER , unless you would like to permanently have that person on your shoulder every time you need to take a breath. 

Please note that the direct correlation between the two will give you the answer if you have encountered the Constant Crier.  You pull back a little, they have a crisis.  You pull back, they have another crisis.  Repeat this a few times if you are unsure, but I can guarantee that you will have the same result every single time you try.

2) The Insecure Repeater

Ah this is a wily hard to shake leech that will use their relentless ways to weasel back in and buy themselves some more attention and time. 

They are still nice and kind at the start of distance, but notice you have pulled back. 

They will ask once, “Is everything okay?  You seem distant?”

Now this is a fair question, because you have become a little distant, so you may reply “Oh sure, I’ve just been so busy.  I still would like to go out on Saturday night though.”

If you have acquired yourself an Insecure Repeater, well before Saturday has even arrived they will begin their guilting harassment with statements such as…

“Did I do something wrong?”  “Why are we not talking as much?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is there something you don’t like about me?” “I’m feeling like you’re mad at me and it’s making me sad.”  “Wanna go out tonight?” “Want to get a coffee right now?” “Why don’t you text me? Are you mad at me?  It’s okay, you can tell me the truth, are you mad?” (this would be accompanied by numerous additional text messages, calls or emails in a long succession). 

Please let it be noted that communication has not stopped but only dwindled a little, provoking the neediness and “claws” reaching out with desperate snatching, while using guilt provoking statements to make you feel bad about your slight distance.  I’m sorry to tell you, it will continue and may even escalate.

I can guarantee that if you do decide to pull yourself completely from the Constant Crier or the Insecure Repeater, they will pop up frequently saying “Hi” in email, text or phone call asking the same needy questions they did before, or having excessive crisis after crisis, even if you have stated that “the jig is up sucker. I don’t want you.”

In both these instances you will curse yourself for ever giving your email/cell number to this person. My advice is to adopt the persona of a mute.  You will continually hear the cries from the needy, but if you stay silent they will receive nothing of what they need and therefore eventually find a new host.  It may take some time though so delete, delete, delete, DO NOT ANSWER and NEVER feel compassion or respond.  If you do, you’ve just bought yourself another 6 months of annoyance.

Well my friends it is late, I am tired and my dog who is sleeping on the sofa beside me has some noxious gas tonight, so I will say adieu, good luck and may God keep you safe and leechless in your future days.


A Not So Easy on the Eye Dating Experience


Ah, well hello again world!  I know I promised a blog entry on the short skirt issue that is sweeping the nation, but it will have to wait as other matters have been on my mind lately.

As you can tell from my previous post…I am most definitely free of my marriage, theoretically at least and so therefore a single woman on the prowl, or a hungry woman in search of chocolate but, what is the difference really! 

A woman purchasing a chocolate bar and a woman who is dating are  really one and the same with only one difference.  The ass.  Chocolate = ass the size of small country.  Dating = chasing ass and probably losing some of your own.  So, I decided to try dating instead of growing my ass, as I had visions of walking into a room, dragging my gluteus maximus behind me, while people huddled in corners screaming and cringing away from the gelatinous mass of my ass, while it ate people and took over the earth. Although, having an ass that could take over the earth would have some benefits too…. but I’ll leave those thoughts for another time.

So off to the dating game it was and I did meet some very interesting people!  The people I liked and still may like…I will never mention here.  This forum is for the people who needed to leave and hit the dusty trail, past the tumble weeds and through the desert of You are Never Getting Any, Not Even if I Was Blind and Had Only One Leg and a Third Nipple and over the sea of Seriously, If You look Back or Remotely Even Try To Come Back, You Will be Blind and Have Only One Nipple and Will Cry Like a Girl and Wear a Skirt Permanently, never to be seen from again.  Thank God!

Here is an example of a date… that kept repeating on me.

THE ONE EYE REPEATER (and no, sadly this name has nothing to do with a man’s penis)

Now I happen to live in a mid-sized town and I came across this fellow who was a tall guy and looked attractive.  It was dusk when we met outside a store and I didn’t notice anything strange about him.  So when he asked me out, I said okay and we set up a date to have coffee. In the meantime we exchanged numbers and began texting each other.  Nothing strange there…

  So, the date came and I was feeling a little nervous but it was just casual dating, so I tried not to sweat it.  He arrived and again looked good from afar and so I thought, okay, this will be okay.  Then he sat down in front of me and was looking at me with only one eye pointed at me, which I found a little strange and intense.  He literally had one eye pointed directly at me, with his face kind of turned and I could not see the other eye. We proceeded to talk about things while I stared into his one intense eye and I really began to wonder what was going on.  Then, after a time, he looked at me directly and I knew the reason for the one-eyed conversation.   His other eye was looking in a completely different direction.  He obviously had a lazy, wandering eye. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely superficial or maybe I am, but it wasn’t the esthetics that bothered me as much as it was one hell of a distraction!!  I would look at him face on, but think he was looking at a woman in the corner and then realize…No! stupid!  It’s the lazy eye!!!! He’s looking at you!!! 

We were close to Dollarama and I secretly wanted to convince him to go in there and buy an eye patch as he was a nice looking guy and then could have been a nice looking pirate.  Then I would not have been confused as to which eye was looking at what and life could go back to normal, or as normal as it could be with a lazy eyed date pretending to be a pirate!! 

Have you ever tried to look at a person and only focus on only one eye?  It’s bloody tiring, confusing and generally you think too much while you’re looking at them and so therefore you can’t think of anything good, like kissing, or butterflies or sex, but instead all you’re thinking of is … 


So, after our date, I kissed him good-bye and thought to myself I can’t date this man, because all I can hear in my head is THE GOOD EYE!!! which doesn`t leave room for much else. So I discontinued the texting and figured after he did not get a few responses he would get the message, because let’s face it, I’m a woman, so why be direct.  Boy, was I wrong on that one for sure! 

Can I tell you just how persistent a crazy eyed man can be when he likes you  This is what happened next…

I received a text message saying “Hey, it’s cold outside, how about getting in my hot tub?”  to which I did not respond.  Then another “Hey, it’s Friday, you’ve probably had a long day, how would you like to get in my hot tub?” No response to that either.  Then “Hey, wanna relax in my hot tub?”  I sent nothing.  Then, “Hey, do you wanna have a hot tub?” Zero from me. Then “Hey! It’s about time, I think you should get in my tub!” Nada from my finger tips or lips, and yet it went on and on and on like this.  I was half expecting a text message to come through that simply said…


Now, lets review this approach for a moment. Hmmmm…. let’s see… We went out for coffee, I was distracted by the eye and superficial or not I decided not to persue him further.  He texted and I didn’t respond, and he continued along this line of texting and never gave up.  He rode the hot tub texting train until it crashed, burned, blew up and basically wheezed itself into death.  He didn’t ask me to coffee, he didn’t ask me to the movies, he didn’t ask me out for dinner.  He never bought me flowers (although I despise them), or texted me “Hey you wanna go out? I have a pair of diamond earings in my pocket!”  Instead, he sent me his tub time messages and nothing else, no matter that there was no response.  What’s the definition of insanity again?

So, I surmise that quite simply the one eye repeater wanted into get me in his hot tub to show me his one eye and I was too afraid that might also be lazy and so therefore it never happened and it never will. Unless, of course, I also adopt an affliction of the lazy wandering eye and then we can both look at each other and everyone else at the same time and our children will always get caught.

Stay tuned next week when I discuss…18th and 19th century bloodletting.  What the God Damn Hell was going on in those two centuries???  A whole lot of absinthe and also a whole lot of dying patients is my guess.