Category Archives: My November Notes

Weird Medical Treatments From the Past and the Way I Think…Which Can Be a Little Scary

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I sat down one day on my couch and was thinking about life and the weirdness of it.  I was having these thoughts to avoid cleaning my house, which is a technique many people use.  Sitting on the couch that is, not necessarily thinking.  Gossip Girl was on T.V., which immediately made me reach for the first available bucket to puke in and then it hit me…  If bloodletting was still in existence in this day an age, all of these whining anorexic freaks on this show would probably be dead.  God!  That might solve quite a few of the world’s problems right there. Still, although I would love to see the tragic end to these and many other whiners and just general idiots, I also thought in my head…what in God’s name were medical practitioners thinking for the past 2000 Years!!!!  That sapping the very essence of life out of someone’s body would cure anything, except for life maybe.  Sooooooo, here is the first subject of my enticing entry

BLOODLETTING (otherwise known as a medical treatment invented by a bunch of assclowns who couldn’t tell the difference between their ass and a cure)

Ah yes, bloodletting or phlebotomy as it is referred to in modern medicine today, is the practice of drawing blood from the body for the treatment of many diseases . We’ve all seen it in movies, or read about it in the past, but do any of us really appreciate the truly weird and idiotic theories behind bleeding someone in the attempt to cure numerous human ailments?  Apparently, slicing open a vein and letting the red stuff roll into a cup, vase or bowl, cured the following human ailments and possibly more.  They are as follows:  fevers, headaches, backache, arthritis, asthma, acne, cancer, coma, herpes, insanity, tuberculosis, jaundice, plague, gonorrhea and many, many more.  Really?…  Really?………… Really?????????????????? (Yes, that’s right that many question marks)

Now over the years there were many theories and reasons for bloodletting but the main theories apparently are that bloodletting cured all of these vastly different ailments because they were caused by two common problems. 1.  The impurity of the blood and 2.  The over abundance of blood in the body. 

My Thoughts: Who the F wrote the Medical Journals for those 2000 years???? (that’s right four questions marks.  I’m that confused). Sounds like it might have been the work of a large group of complete freaking morons taking a guess in the dark, while picking their asses  and then implementing it with glee and complete stupidity and ignorance.  To add to this moron theory, might I just say that I originally said 2000 years but some debate over 2000 years that this had been in practice.  Sooooooooo… as they were racking up the dead bodies in piles, while “curing” them of everything from headaches to gonorrhea, no one clued into the fact that they were probably losing more patients than curing them?  No one clued in for over 2000 years?????????? (yes I’m that confused still).  Or, maybe killing them was curing them as when you’re dead you’re no longer feeling the pain or spreading  gonorrhea to anyone but a necrophiliac, so in a sense it is a type of cure.  Killing your patient that is.  Still, it seems like evolution of the brain had a 2000 year brain fart so to speak, in the areas of medical science.  Like I said before, bloodletting may still cure a lot of the world’s problems, but other than saying that, I’m not going to go there (hint..hint…. gossip girl….Ke$ha…informercial hosts…)  Where I will go is to my next, much more interesting subject in our medical past called…

FEMALE HYSTERIA (Otherwise known as, I need to get some or I’ll go insane on your ass and not in the good way you may be thinking of.)

Now, this medical practice interests me greatly, especially because it existed in a time when sexual activity of any kind outside of the marital bed was strongly frowned on, except of course if it was with your doctor.  This took place mostly in the Victorian Era, when the rules were strict and the skirts were long and yet, if you were exhibiting signs of being  just your average bitchy female, you would be sent to your doctor for a friendly pelvic massage, with your good old  husband or parents fitting the bill.  This leads me to my next thought…Who knew that on top of draining people’s  bodily fluids, Victorian doctors where legitimate prostitutes?  Who freaking would have thought?? I wonder if the Medical Board of the day would bitch slap the doctors if they did not amass enough female hysterics per week?  At any rate, this condition and cure is just way too amusing to leave alone, so here goes…

If you were a woman and  single, a nun (it’s nice to know they at least got some from somewhere), wife, mother, or grandmother and were exhibiting some of the following symptoms:  heaviness in the abdomen, shortness of breath, a tendency to cause trouble (what woman doesn’t do that?), insomnia, nervousness, muscle spasms etc… you were then sent to your doctor for a good old pelvic massage.  This is where your medical doctor would “stimulate”  you manually to orgasm, which was also known as hysterical paroxysm.  Then, for a time I assume, you would be “cured” until the next bout of “hysterics”. 

My Thoughts:  Now, there are a few things that I think about this situation.  First, what the F was everybody thinking????? A woman could not show her ankles, was generally repressed and would have been outcast from society for sex before marriage and yet her husband paid for her sexual favours from her doctor??? ( I know, the three questions marks, really get the point across!)  Now think of this, in today’s day and age, we are apparently sexually open, liberated and accepting, but if a medical doctor was to introduce this as a possible cure to even depression in today’s day and age, he would immediately lose his licence to practice medicine, be deemed perverted and may even be arrested.  Interesting twist don’t you think? 

Considering the amount of men I have met that have no flipping clue what they are doing sexually with a woman’s body, I can’t imagine just how many more men were out there who were even more clueless then. Who probably didn’t even care to even find out what their wives needed and were part of the club I so affectionately like to call the “Jump on, Wiggle and Jump Off club”. So, in this instance, I commend medical science of the Victorian Era, for embracing Female Hysteria and it’s cure.  I mean, as women we all know about self pleasure and if you don’t, you seriously need to wake the hell up! Still sexual stimulation is always more fulfilling when another person is involved, even if it is your damn doctor!  If your doctor is even remotely good looking, all the better.  It seems that in this time, it was strangely widely practiced for husbands to have family doctors do their work for them, which leads me to my next thought of…

Just how many of these women wanted to leave their husbands for their doctors or started affairs with their doctors??? (Yes, three again, to make the point).  I’m guessing that many did want their doctors much, much  more than their husbands, as he would be the one with the magic fingers that brought on the fun. These Victorian doctors were probably the best paid gentlemen in town, if you catch my drift. Just imagine, attending a dinner party of prestigious proportions and sitting at the table are five wives of prominent men that you cure of Hysteria every month (among other things).  That’s a very interesting take on a harem situation along with our perception of the world’s oldest profession. So therefore I say, hat’s off to you Victorian Doctors, as there are still women today who will never get a date with anything other than their vibrator and I bet they wish you were still around and in practice, manually stimulating everyone back to health and good humour one orgasm at a time.  I know the nuns of today would probably appreciate it. 

Although, I guess if it was still in practice, our health care system would probably collapse in less than a week.  So, I guess it’s the old, “be careful what you wish for” situation, but other than the taxes, I say a much needed medical treatment, that beats hot yoga or meditation any day. Which leads me to the last part of my post which is totally unrelated to women having reached orgasm by their doctors…

Well goodnight all.  I hope you have a good one with all of yours.  Stay tuned next time when I discuss… If You Drink Excessively and Want to Date Me, I’ll Make Sure to Swallow Glass, So I Cannot Attend.