Reading the news today and watching it on T.V., it has become apparent that domestic violence is on the rise. I’m not sure if it’s the economic stress of families having to work harder and longer for survival, if it’s the fast paced stress of life in general or if it’s just a bunch of multi generational dumbass hooligans believing that they can bitch slap their wives, children or other individuals and that they are just above the law, which is sadly too often the case.
Whenever I see another women’s shelter go up, my heart goes out to the poor women that have to run there, as I am a woman too and know what it is like to be oppressed. My next thought though is always the same. With all the bitch slapping that happens to poor innocent people on the streets and in their homes….why hasn’t someone bitch slapped my ex???
There is a movie named Bitch Slap, Perez Hilton was bitch slapped and millions of people on this earth daily are having their asses handed to them on a platter for no good reason and yet this man, who sticks his middle finger in the face of karma, remains unscathed!!! I tell you it’s only that the universe has not been paying enough attention to a bitch that needs a good five-finger salute!
I’ve taken it upon myself to make a list for the universe on the reasons it should be done… and hopefully will be done. Here they are…
My Top 5 Reasons The Universe Should Bitch Slap My Ex
(plus a few things that may change my mind)
1) I Have a Sneaking Suspicion He is Possessed by the Devil
He exhibits strong signs that he is possessed by the Devil. He is mean, says horrible things sometimes in tongues, occasionally suffers from projectile vomiting, levitates in anger and otherwise, yells, farts and has aged significantly in the past 3 years to look 40 years older than myself.
Now lets peruse this point a little… When watching any type of exorcism on tv or in the movies, I’m pretty sure that the priests are not cuddling the afflicted but have been known to slap the beast right out of the person, with the backhand of Jesus, while saying the prayer of exorcism. It may make things better, but at the very least, it will make me feel better and that’s all that matters.
2) He Argues Against any Scientific Fact, Truth, or Even His Own Point of View .
This is an interesting point that has more than one interesting story. This man will argue against any point, any fact or any truth that exists in the universe. You could walk up to him and say “Hi! It’s Wednesday!” and even though it is in fact legitimately Wednesday, he will argue immediately and say something like “It’s not Wednesday! It’s Thursday dumbass! What kind of person thinks it’s Wednesday when it’s Thursday.” Absolutely nothing, not even 10 accurate calendars, God, Father Time, and a very honest old woman could convince him otherwise. Do you feel your hand itching yet at the annoyance? No? Maybe? Let me make this little scenario a little simpler….He’s standing there, you walk up and say “Hi!” and he will immediately yell “Low!”…and there you have it! A begging for bitch slapping that no one can deny!
Before I move onto number three, let me just say we have put this to the test…I listened to him argue a point. I remembered the viewpoint and subject matter he was arguing for. I sat back, cleaned my house, went to work, paid my taxes, did a cart-wheel, knit a sweater and let a week pass. After 1 week I decided to revisit the argument with an interesting twist. I argued for his point and he immediately argued against it with a fervent anger that would make OJ Simpson proud! It was shameful display that would embarrass even the most professional of debating teams. Still you know what stops an argument. A good old school pimp slapping, in the vocal cords.
3) He’s a Couple of Pills Short of Sanity
I really think this point says it all.
Slapping crazy happens all the time, even accidentally. Just putting it out there…
4) His Cheeks are Ripe and Full
It’s true. His cheeks are meaty and ripe for the slapping. I dare any serial slapper to walk past him without issuing a bitch slap, pimp slap, or ask the eternally funny questions of “What did the five fingers say to the face?” with a smack across those jowly jaws That would make anyone smile, except him of course.
5) Slap is Afrikaans for limp.
and he is…
Now Here’s a Few Things That May Change My Mind
1) If he had a personality transplant or became someone else
2) If he spontaneously combusted
3) If he won the lottery did not tell me and being that we’re still “officially” married, I took him to court and was awarded it all.
4) If I won the lottery myself and kept it all.
5) If he read this blog and felt verbally bitch slapped or at the very least slightly abused.
Well, good night all. That’s all I have to say about bitch slapping those who call it to their souls.
Stay tuned next time when I discuss, “Why do women wear short skirts when we already know they have a vagina? No physical proof is needed. Or is it?”